I Don't Know What I'm Doing, but I'm Going to be Alright
Soon I will be graduating college and assuming my position in the real world. I believe this transition will go smoothly; I'm even excited about it! However this peaceful attitude towards life did not come too easily or by accident. In fact, it wasn't that long ago that obsessive planning and worrying consumed me.
I felt as if the world with all it's rules and expectations was trying to cram me into one of two molds--dutiful, boring housewife or impressive, yet terrifying boss woman. I also felt like in order to make the right decision, I needed to know exactly where I wanted to be twenty years from now. I was confused and filled with self-doubt and terrified of failing. And I knew the worst part was still coming... I've been rodeoing since I was pigtailed and knee-high to a miniature pony and since that time, it's taken top priority in my life. I joined the UT Martin Women's rodeo team as a goat tyer and a breakaway roper in 2012, and rodeo became my life. As the end of my four years approached, I knew I'd soon be tying my last goat, roping my last calf, and selling my sorrel gelding.
I knew my whole world was about to change. And I knew the hardest part of my journey would be finding myself in it.
And yet here I am. Not graduated yet, but looking forward to it with excited anticipation. I got to this place of peace by first taking a big step back. (Actually, I had to do a complete detox! I told all the people in my life to not even mention the words "job", "career", "decision", "interview", or "resume" for the next 7 days. My head and heart needed a break!) After the week was over I felt immensely better. I began reading and listening to podcasts, interviewing successful individuals that I admire, and spending long hours contemplating my ideal life. I realized that I need to focus on becoming the right person, instead of making the "right" decision.
God's incredible grace and love has also played a necessary role. He's blessed me with people who have loved me unconditionally through all my messiness. With constant reminders to live in the moment and appreciate the present. With the funds to finally buy my camera, a new lens to see the world with and a new and beautiful talent with which I can share myself with the world.
What I'm learning is this:
- I don't have to know the plan as long I believe in a good God and I believe that I am smart enough, creative enough, and scrappy enough to handle anything life throws my way.
- My mind has enormous potential and my heart is full of God-given dreams and when I combine them, I truly believe I can do anything.
- I will never settle for a mediocre life. No matter how messy, how confusing, how hard I fall, or how much progress I lose, I will never give up. I want to live my one life to the fullest, no holding back, no excuses. I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about the things in life that make my heart really smile.
Photography is one of those things. Photography has always been a dream of mine, but one I assumed I would never have the time, money, or talent for. But in this search for myself, I've realized that my "I can't" attitude will never lead me to success. I need a "how can I?" attitude. When I changed my mindset, the rest of my life started changing very quickly. I still can't believe how fast all this has happened. Photography is becoming a new defining part of me. It is one of the ways I'm finding myself.
Why am I sharing all this? Because I'm so grateful for everything I've learned through this process and I think the same information and mindset that got me through my senior year meltdown, might help you in whatever situation you're in.
You see, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm going to do for a living? I don't know where I'm going to live after I gradutate??
But I know I'm going to be alright.
I know that I'm well on my way to becoming the best me I can be. I know that with a "how can I?" attitude, my mind is getting stronger and more creative everyday. I know that my goals are big, but I have prepared an even bigger strategy to get there. And I know that my God is good and He'll be walking with me all the way.
I know I'm going to be alright. And now I'm writing this blog to share I how got to this place of peace. I'll be posting more soon! I sincerely hope that what you find helps, encourages, and inspires you, and gives you the same freedom and confidence it gave me.